About a decade ago as I prepared for my wedding I met different people who gave different advice on what should be and what shouldn’t be in marriage. I heard things like
“Make your husband the first priority.”
“Don’t let children take all your love when they come.”
“Always sleep together on the same bed even when you are angry.”
“Don’t walk out during an argument.”
“Ensure you cook for your husband.”
As good as all those advice were they have not been as useful as the one written on the plaque I got from the guy who decorated the church on my wedding day. This plaque still hangs on the wall in my house and it reads “Great Marriages are not made by great lovers but by great forgivers”. When I got this plaque I did not think much of it because I was in love and about to get married to the best man in the whole world. Who would have thought it was going to be difficult to forgive when the love is so strong?
It’s interesting to note, however, that as married life sets in it became obvious that this advice is the most transformative for any marriage. Issues such as personal time and space, highs, lows, lingering habits, money, career and business, parenting responsibilities, the other woman, influence of extended family or even sex can require a level of vulnerability that can in turn open the door for deep hurt. The ability to let go of the various wounds and remain focused at the goal of being one becomes very important then and can only be handled if you chose to forgive before the hurt itself.
Choosing to forgive is not pretending you are not disappointed or upset. Neither is it an excuse to ignore problems or refuse to take responsibility for unhealthy patterns within our marriages. Instead, it puts conflict within boundaries. It provides a space to work things out and it refuses to let the issue infect the rest of the relationship. Choosing to forgive recognises the point at which it is time to move forward. It means that we do not withhold affection or kindness from our spouses as a form of resentment. It means that we will not always sulk or complain to our friends. It means that even if sorting through a problem takes months of hard work, we will continue to love each other well in the midst of that work. We will not wait until we “feel like it” before we choose to extend grace to one another. It means that in the heat of the moment, we breathe deeply and remember how we have been forgiven by God through the work Christ did on Calvary.
If God can turn his heart towards us, with deep love and compassion, then we should not be found doing anything less. We need to learn to love and forgive in a way that reflects God’s heart toward his children and in a way that demonstrates how we would like to be forgiven. This is not an easy journey at all but if we ask God for his help and also choose to be purposeful about this act of forgiveness, I am confident that not only will our hearts be changed but we will also know God in new and more interesting ways.
This has been the way I have handled my marriage relationship and what has kept it going. Once again I chose forgiveness and I will not relent, God being my help.
Culled from http://ladiesfirstng.com/i-chose-forgiveness/
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